I am flaky

Sorry for the insane delay in posting. A lot has gone on this summer.
I posted that we had twins already. That was a long time ago, so i can catch you up. It is funny even writing about it, since most of the people who see this blog also read my wife's blog, but for those who don't, I will keep you in the loop.

I studied for the bar this summer. The bar exam in California is a horrible event. It costs a lot of money to take the test because nearly everyone has to take a prep course to get up to speed on all of the subjects. The prep course is the really expensive part. There are 4 hours of lecture each day, with homework at night. Some people study 14 hours a day. I, on the other hand, am not a bachelor without a church calling or a job. I am actually the opposite of that person. At the start of the prep course, I had a job, a calling, and a family of 6 to care for. My studies were therefore neglected in the first part of the course so I could help my wife with the twins. I planned on attending lectures and skipping homework until the twins started sleeping through the night (with our kids, that usually means 8 weeks old), and then I would put the pedal to the metal for the last 4-5 weeks of class and really make up for lost time.
When I say "lost time", I do not, in any way, mean that the time I spent helping with the twins was somehow a waste of my time. I had a really good time being busy in tending the twins. It is really something to see two babies eating at the same time. It is a special time with any baby when the middle of the night feedings happen. There is not a lot like that in the world these days. A mother or a father rising from a comfortable sleep to feed a helpless child who needs to eat multiple times during the night. The house is quiet. Eternal things are pondered. Prayers and blessings are uttered which are sometimes forgotten by the time morning rolls around. A parent's clock is at that time truly a 24 hour cycle. The day is not measured by day and night, but by 3 hour feeding intervals. All is altered for the child. It is special.
One item I truly loved was to see their mother holding them both at once. To imagine them both in her body at the same time was difficult after seeing them on the outside. I loved this sight enough that I took multiple pictures of it, especially during feeding times. The babies were bottle-fed, so it was a graceful dance of coordination and skill to keep the bottles in the right position for each child while both were still unable to move much on their own. It seemed like the guy who spins plates on the end of long sticks. At all times plates are spinning, but they are all constantly slowing as well. It is a struggle against gravity to keep the plates spinning, and it was a struggle against gravity (and 3am fatigue) to keep the bottles up. Different bottle propping mechanisms were purchased, and then discarded.
At 7 weeks and 6 days, both babies made it through a 6 hour stretch without eating. That is a long rest to parents of newborn twins. We were excited. Although my wife's time is spent mostly with the children, my time is mostly spent at school or work. This is necessary so that her time CAN be spent at home. It is because of this that we see the long stretch as a sign of different things. We both see it as a big step for the babies in their physical growth. However, to my "outside the house time" it means a chance to study more to catch up. My plan was working. All was good.

On The morning of their eight week birthday, I found our baby girl dead in her crib. No other words are needed here as to that morning. I can't really type anything that would convey anything anyway.

There was no cause of death found. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) is known by many and fully understood by no one. There is no known cause, and no symptoms that are recognizable. A runny nose seems to be the only symptom that is at least correlated with a SIDS death, but our baby girl's nose was never runny.
We had to pick a burial plot. A casket. A headstone. Speakers and songs for the funeral service.

The funeral was special. I would not call it beautiful, because I wish it had never had to happen. The spirit of the Lord was present, however, and a lot of friends of mine who are not members of our church were there for me and heard me bear my testimony of the plan that God has for our family. We needed the spirit we felt there, and it was very comforting to have so many loved ones present.

After the family members flew back to their homes, things were quiet for a while. I told work that I would not be coming in for the indefinite future, and I didn't attend bar prep lectures. These things were not important to me then, and Stacie and the kids were all that I could focus on. We were very close to God for a while. This is not because we feel far from Him now. It was just different. We were reading everything we could from prophets and apostles about death, dying, tribulation, and other topics that we thought might help us. At first, the mind tries to understand why the death happened. Not only did we not understand what caused her death, but we didn't know why our Father in Heaven would give us a beautiful daughter only to take her back after 8 weeks. In talking with my wife, I have compared it to winning our dream house, to be built as we want it. After about 9 months of anticipation, we move in for 8 weeks, only to have it burn down. It cannot be replaced. Multiply this many times over to match the level of loss, but you kind of get the idea. We changed our view of our family for the 9 months that my wife was pregnant. We got used to the idea of having 4 kids, with a set of twin infants. We were elated. The loss of our daughter brought several types of mourning along. We obviously mourn HER. Her little body that we cannot kiss and tuck into bed. Her smile, which we only saw in the last week she was alive, will not be a part of our family pictures. We miss her.

We also mourn the plans we had. We will miss seeing our two babies grow up as a pair. We will miss our oldest daughter having a younger sister to teach girly things. We will miss pink onesies, matching dresses with big sister, and all the rest that comes with a little girl. Those plans are hard to mourn as well, but not as hard as mourning our little girl.

After talking with a some people I respect greatly, I decided to take the bar exam. After missing two weeks of classes, I had some catching up to do. I didn't ever really catch up. I wanted to be with my family, and when I was "studying", I just didn't really feel like it. I did get my studying done, but nothing like I would have without our loss. So what? How hard could some dumb test be, compared to the rest of my summer? Even if it WAS so hard, how hard would failing the test really be for me? I was pretty relaxed taking the test. I got a priesthood blessing, and I did my best on the test, even if my preparation was shoddy. I will get my results the week before Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is well known to my family as being my favorite day of the year. Regardless of whether I passed or not, I will be thankful for much.

The week after the funeral, our landlord/neighbor/bishop (all one person) began some previously planned and sorely needed structural work on our house. It was major enough construction that for a few weeks we could not live at home. Mourning, studying for the bar, and taking care of three kids (still including a new baby) are all hard enough in a stable living situation. Living at my in-laws' house a half hour from our house was not terrific. I am thankful that they took us in. I love them. These things aside, I feel like our lives craved normalcy and we were instead on an odd type of break from reality. The three days of the bar exam were spent alone, as my family was at my in-laws' house and I stayed in our open air house at night. These are not optimal testing conditions, but I rested well, ate good breakfasts, and was blessed to be okay during the test. I did miss my family and was excited to be reunited with them.

The night the exam ended we went to a beach cottage in Bodega Bay with some friends to unwind. We couldn't stay in our house anyway, and I needed a break. We had a great time, and it was fun to be with our friends' family. They have five kids, so it was a busy time and there was a lot of fun had by all.

The next week I attended an LDS scout encampment that hosted 25 stakes from northern CA. I had attended planning meetings for this camp since February, and it took the organizers one year to plan. It was a major undertaking. I served as our stake commissioner, so I was busy for a lot of the time. I got to spend a lot of time with the bishops and leaders of the wards, and with the stake presidency. I enjoyed the focus on priesthood and came away with a new perspective on leadership and service. I heard an apostle and the Young Men general president testify of the scouting and Young Men programs, and I was glad to have attended.

For the last week of our house's uninhabitability, we went on a vacation. This is not common for us, as we usually just are taken on vacation by the in-laws. Not this time. I have a real, full-time career now, and as grown ups we took the family of five on a trip to San Diego where we stayed in hotels that we paid for and picked out ourselves. It was good to be away together. It was a type of rest that we had not enjoyed since at least the babies were born, but probably more like since the start of law school.

Upon our return, I started work full time. I worked full time during the summers during school, but it feels different now. I have a plant in my office. I have organized my desk. I wear work clothes. It is the start of my professional life again, since I did this once already in the Bay area before returning to finish school. This time, there is no exit in sight. This is my life. I still have to finish my MBA, which will take two night classes a week for the next two years, but I am no longer focused on school first and work second. My company has been great for us, and I see a long relationship here.

Since the summer of 2005 we have been looking at houses. Really looking. We have used 6 or 7 realtors who have shown us many houses. I think we have toured every model home in our area code, and have been pretty serious about 5 or 6 places. This summer we got very serious about one, then the twins were born and we faded. Then we got serious about another, and it didn't seem right. I thought that we were never going to buy. But now, we think we have found a home. I will post about it later, if we get it.

That is where I am now. My oldest daughter starts kindergarten the same week that I go back to finish my MBA. We have an ice cream social to attend this afternoon welcoming her to the elementary school. Our house still does not have a roof. There are trusses, but there is no plywood. This means that the drywall from our ceiling is the only thing separating the inside of our house from the outside air. We have no clue when it will be done.

My sweet wife is doing pretty well. She has had the most stressful summer that anyone could imagine, but she is a strong person and still serves faithfully in her calling. We have moments where the loss of our daughter is brought right in front of our faces, and sometimes it feels really heavy again. Some people that knew we were having twins but don't know about our daughter's death will ask where she is. Some ask how the babies are doing. When I hear "babies" instead of "baby", I know that I have to tell them. I feel sorry that they are embarrassed or if they feel like they have ruined my day by bringing it up. The thing is, I never forget it. They are just talking about something that I was already thinking about, but not talking about yet. I have a picture of the twins eating together on my office wall, right behind my computer.

This is definitely the longest post I have ever made, and I doubt very highly that another post will ever come close. There are no pictures and most may not read the whole thing. I realized that my wife's blog has not been kept as current on our lives as some might want, so I thought I would get it all down in print before I forget something.

I want to thank those who have prayed for our family. We have felt the added strength. We are thankful for the cards, letters, food, flowers, and other items that we have not thanked you for. We have a list of everything we received, but I am not sure that we will ever sit down and write those thank you cards.
If anything else happens that is major, I will try to keep all informed, if the wifey doesn't.